Know Your Self-Worth (Part 1)

If anything or anyone causes you grief, leave. More often than not, most choose to hold onto things and people that are destructive to them. Little do they know, the longer they hang onto them, the more miserable they will become.

Until we've truly learned to value ourselves, we will stop putting up with anything that disrupts our inner peace. I refer to them as "dead-end opportunities." By knowing our self-worth, we will be more assertive and know what we want.

If holding onto the "dead-end opportunities" is not a wise choice, why do most of us still do? Why there are still many people still hold onto jobs, friends, and partners that cause them emotional pain? It's because people are easily controlled by fear and emotions. The unknown of the future triggers fear; emotional attachments makes it hard to walk away from a place or individuals we feel attached to. In the end, we pray for things to work out, and hope people will eventually change. Oh, what a lie ...

In the hindsight, binary thinking is the biggest reason that leaves the majority feel stuck. What they can see are only two options: this or that, and there is not even a third choice for them. Not until we get out of our own heads, we won't be willing to open ourselves to countless other opportunities. Once we do, we will start seeing opportunities as abundant, not scarce.

Jenna's journey of finding her self-worth speaks exactly for the message I'm trying to convey here.

Jenna was an accounting graduate who were looking to gain onsite experience for her specialization. She once came across a volunteer opportunity at a startup organization. Sam, the startup owner told her: if things worked out for both sides, she will be offered a job with the company. Jenna saw the volunteer role as a perfect chance to practice accounting and a possible employment opportunity down the road. Unfortunately, the relationship between herself and the department manager Ashley had been challenging. Despite Jenna's effort to cooperate, Ashley refused to provide training forced Jenna to seek help from other employees of the company. In the meantime, Ashley attempted to make Jenna quit voluntarily through bullying, intimidation, or putting her down. Since Jenna wanted to maintain a good relationship with Sam, she did not report Ashley's inappropriate behaviors to him immediately.

Instead, she kept her feelings to herself and kept coping with Ashley, hoping she will eventually accept her. Seeing Jenna going through struggles, Sam tried to be as supportive to Jenna as possible, and told her Ashley was willing to teach her. Ironically, it turned out the exactly opposite of what Sam had promised: Ashley compiled a list of 'valid reasons' and terminated Jenna's volunteer contract when Sam was away at a business conference.

What's going on in Ashley's mind? Prior to bringing Jenna in as a volunteer, Sam had never consulted Ashley, an employee for 20 -year, nor did he clarify reasons behind her volunteering. Meanwhile, people in the company seemed to genuinely like Jenna. Fearing to be replaced by someone who's younger, more educated and likable, getting rid of Jenna without alerting Sam seemed to be Ashley's best bet. Upon return from the business trip, Sam learned that Jenna was gone and he felt powerless in this situation despite this not being the outcome he hoped for all along. Seeing Jenna's position, he personally felt he had done the best he could to support her role.

How things went down was pretty harsh on Jenna who was sincere and trusting. The experience indeed sabotaged her ability to give trust first. Little did she realize at that time, being kicked out by Ashley was one of the best things that ever happened to her. Soon after, she was offered several projects that kept her very occupied. In most occasions, she was approached by individuals who want to find people like herself: someone with a good attitude to learn, has a desire to grow, committed, intelligent, and of course, have integrity. Did she find another company where she could practice her accounting? Yes, she did with a different business owner who was willing to train and needed a good pair of hands. During her time there, she was appreciated, valued, and well respected. It was such a powerful experience for Jenna, who was amazed by how much better she could do by collaborating with those who could see the spark in her. She ended up learning so much more after walking out of a place where she never belonged.

Looking back, Jenna was clearly torturing herself and selling her short by staying with the previous company. Taking on a volunteer role that leads to future employment is great. However, having a horrendous time volunteering means she should have run for the hills. Things would only get worse had she started working there. Jenna later recalled: "To be honest, that was a tough one and I've never been in a similar situation. I've done whatever I could to learn and cope. This wasn't my loss, but it could be mine if it had worked out in the end. So I'm happy that I was set free."

What is Jenna's mistake with the previous startup company? First and foremost, her biggest downfall was hanging onto the dead-end opportunity when she should have moved on. The root cause of it is lack of confidence and self-esteem (AKA: lack of self-worth awareness). The more we hold onto those who don't respect us, the worse they are going to treat us. Having done her best learning and coping with a difficult employee, there were many things outside Jenna's control. In the hindsight, she should have walked away for other opportunities much earlier. Unfortunately, she ended up wasting valuable time fighting for approval from a person who would never acknowledge or accept her. Walking away doesn't make us weak rather it shows we finally realize our value. Continuing messing with toxic people will not do us any justice.

Second, Jenna should have reported Ashley's inappropriate behavior to Sam right away as it occurred. Keeping things to herself and her desire of gaining experience led Ashley to believe Jenna could be used, pushed around, and then got rid of. When being mistreated by others, never keep quiet. Speak up, because it shows basic respect for ourselves. By doing so, bullies will learn how to treat us right.

We tend to think reporting misbehavior will suffer retaliation. Well, if retaliation did result from whistle-blowing, we are better off somewhere else. Wherever we go, standing up for ourselves is a must and there is no need to put up with others' bullshit. Despite of the outcome, we will gain respect from others and won't be taken lightly.

Third, Jenna's binary thinking was what held her back. In her mind, she could either leave or stay, and there simply wasn't other options available. She thought that opportunities are scarce, especially she never practiced what she learned before. In the hindsight, there are nice and respectful individuals who want to get a helper like her and they are happy to train. Jenna's binary mentality explained why she felt stuck with the Ashley and the startup company. Having confidence issue at that time caused Jenna to suffer. Little do we know, how much we value ourselves reflects on how others will treat us. The moment we devalue ourselves through words and body language, others are led to believe we can be pushed around. Want to be valued? Start believing within.

If an opportunity didn't work out, do you know it's a blessing after all? Everything happens for a reason and everyone we crossed path with means to teach us a valuable life lesson. Besides, we should all appreciate mistakes and failures: they build us up, through which we know ourselves better, what we want and don't want in life.

If an opportunity didn't work out, move on quietly. Sometimes, saying nothing is better than explaining ourselves, as others may not be able to see from our standpoints. Not only it's a waste of time and energy explaining things from our side, not being understood will make what's already disappointing even more so. In fact, being understood or not doesn't really matter if we know our self-worth.

Don't try to change others and their beliefs. Most people don't change because they stuck in their own ways. When we feel being wronged or not being valued by others, it's the best to just remove ourselves from their presence instead of proving our self-worth to them relentless. The harder we fight, the worse it will make us feel. If we are not happy with where we are now, we won't grow any happier by hanging around. We will do ourselves more justice by simply withdrawing from the situation. Believe it, we will be more successful elsewhere.

Don't be afraid to miss out opportunities. Chances are it won't happen. In this day and age, people are still afraid of missing out. They either keep quiet by staying at a dead-end opportunity, or leave with an open-ended message such as: "The timing is not the best for us to work together. Hope to try again when the opportunity presents itself in the future." I'm sorry, but that's completely Bullshit. When we had a traumatic experience somewhere, do we really want to return and go through it once more? How many suitable opportunities have we got by leaving an open door with places that left us scars? Doing so would only show us being willing to settle for literally anything. Sure, we all want to end things on good terms, but this can't be realistic. To earn others' respect, we shouldn't be afraid to upset others by being honest. Sometimes, we got to bite the tongue and be painfully truthful to ourselves and the counter party. If an opportunity is not a right fit for us, say so: "Thank you for the opportunity and I've tried my very best, but this didn't work out for me (OR: Unfortunately, we do not work well together). I wish you all the best." Either leave quietly, or tell the painful truth if an explanation is required. Remember, if others want the best for us and see our positions, they will respect whatever we choose and are unlikely to take offense. They are the "right people" whom we want to keep in touch with, and the truth we told them won't affect our relationships with them.

Bringing it all together, Key Messages are:

1. Don't be afraid of saying no to an opportunity that's not a fit for us

2. Set our wellness a top priority, everything else comes secondary

3. See opportunities as abundance, not scarce. Get rid of habit of binary thinking

4. Continue messing with toxic people won't do us any justice or give us inner peace. Instead, remove ourselves from their presence.

5. When an opportunity doesn't work, move on quietly: it's a blessing after all.

6. Don't try to change others and their beliefs: most people don't change because they stuck in their own ways.

7. Be honest to ourselves and others. Cut the BS.

Here are the Rules of Thumb:

1. Value ourselves before others can value us

2. Find confidence and have self-esteem within: we can't have them through others' approval

3. How we think of ourselves is how others will treat us

After all, mentality is the hard thing to change. Instead of seeing opportunities as scarce, learn to see them as abundance. Value yourself: just starting a new career or in a transitioning phase doesn't mean you need to suck up to others who don't deserve you. Don't feel trapped in your current situation and don't be restricted by the binary thinking. Think bigger and believe we deserve better because we worth it. Once realizing our self-worth, we will be in control of our own destinies, and will choose what's the best for us in every situation.

Sincerely,

Summit Seeker

Disclaimer:

The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author's. No real names were used in this article. Assumptions made within this article do not necessarily represent author's opinions. The information contained in this article is not legal advice, and is intended solely to provide general guidance on matters of interest for the personal use of the reader, who accepts full responsibility for its use. The purpose of the article is to educate and inspire readers.

Photo Credits:

1) Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/

2) Unsplash: https://unsplash.com/